


Survey Says

by Jaina (effervescible)



Category: Bleach
Genre: Discussion of masturbation, F/M, Humor, Teen Magazines, discussion of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 03:51:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6357859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/effervescible/pseuds/Jaina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rukia uses the power of women's magazines to educate herself and Ichigo on the carnal habits of modern young adults.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survey Says

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2008.

Ichigo liked having Rukia as his girlfriend. Really he did, otherwise he never would've considered even _going_ there, not with her; other guys' first girlfriends might have been pretty classmates they chose on a whim, girls who didn't matter in the long run, but this was Rukia. Ichigo wouldn't have dreamed of pressing for more and risk losing the strange and precious relationship they had if he hadn't been sure he was in it deep for her, and if she hadn't made it clear she felt the same need to take things farther.  
  
In the end, it worked out. It was good. He had her, and he loved her. But damned if she weren't still incredibly frustrating to have around sometimes.  
  
It wasn't even her fault. That was the most annoying part. It was rare that Rukia got more than a couple days off from her duties in Soul Society so that she could spend them in the living world with him, and it wasn't either of their choice that the days off just happened to occur a couple days before one of Ichigo's biggest tests of the semester.  
  
Still, time together was time together, and he wasn't about to send her home. So she lay on his dorm floor, out of his reach, flipping through some stupid women's magazine, while Ichigo lay atop his bed, paging through class notes.  
  
Life sucked sometimes.  
  
"Ichigo, what cup size do you prefer?" Rukia asked suddenly, not looking up from her magazine.  
  
He nearly choked on his own spit. "What?" he said, whipping his head around to face her. "What do you mean?"  
  
"You know." Rukia sat up and made this—this _gesture_ over her general chest area. "Cup size. For breasts. What do you prefer?" She held up the magazine and pointed to the spread she was reading. "Apparently there was a nationwide survey on the sexual habits of men and women your age. I want to see which demographics you fit into."  
  
"What," he said, gaping. Was she _serious_?  
  
Of course. This was Rukia.  
  
Rukia just rolled her eyes at him when he didn't answer. "Fine. I'll just put down what I think you would say."  
  
"DON'T DO THAT!" he yelled. "Is this some kind of—of test to see how I answer? Yours are—they're—it's fine, Rukia. I don't...um...haveanycomplaints." His cheeks were burning.  
  
"Of course not," Rukia said, looking at him as if he were mad. "Why _would_ you?" She looked down at the magazine again, and for the first time Ichigo noticed that she was holding a pen in her other hand and was making little check marks. "It's simply a survey about general preferences. It's entirely unrelated to any relationships people may already be in."  
  
Okay, that was bullshit. How could his _girlfriend_ ask him how big he wished her tits were and think it didn't have anything to do with her? "Ru-" he started, but was interrupted.  
  
"What's 'onni'?" she asked, buried in the magazine again.  
  
"How the fuck should I know?" he grumbled.  
  
"Modern slang makes no sense. If you don't know, I suppose I'll just have to use context..." Her voice faded as she read. "Oh. Masturbation. They should just say so."  
  
Ichigo stared for a moment more, than lay back down and planted his notes in his study materials. "I'm not listening to this," he announced.  
  
Rukia ignored him. "Hmm. A lot more men than women admit to it. Ninety percent to thirty percent. That's sad." A pause. "Do you, Ichigo?"  
  
That was it. "Why are you reading that crap?" he demanded. "Hell, why do they _publish_ it?"  
  
"It's of informational value. To a certain readership." She turned a page. "I didn't think you'd be so loud about it. We're already in a sexual relationship," she pointed out. "So I thought we could discuss adult things without yelling. It's a perfectly normal and healthy activity, Ichigo."  
  
"I know that!" he said, quieter but a little too loudly.  
  
Rukia waited.  
  
He sighed. She did have a point...about the adult thing. Maybe it was stupid to be embarrassed about this when she was already perfectly aware of _some_ of his sexual habits. "Sometimes," he muttered.  
  
"That's what I thought." He could hear the smugness in her voice.  
  
"Yeah, well what about you?" he retorted. "If I have to answer this shit, so do you."  
  
Another pause. "Ichigo, my last lover before you was decades ago," she said patiently. "What do _you_ think?"  
  
Oh.  
  
Well. That wasn't such a bad image to have stuck in his brain. "Whatever," he said quietly. Rukia just smiled and turned back to her magazine.  
  
A few minutes passed in silence, and Ichigo was starting to hope that she'd been distracted by some stupid but much preferable article about clothes or something. He was even starting to be able to focus on his study guide again when he heard Rukia make a little huffing sound of displeasure. He said nothing, just keep reading, until she did it again. "What now?" he asked. "If you're gonna get in a snit cuz I won't answer more questions..."  
  
"I'm not," she said crossly. "This survey is stupid."  
  
"You're just _now_ realizing it."  
  
"Shut up." She scowled at him. "They also asked how many dates before couples became intimate. I didn't need to ask you about that; I was there."  
  
Yeah, she had been. Boy had she been. "So," he prompted her.  
  
"So it was one for us. Judging by the accompanying text, that makes me a slut."  
  
What the fuck? "It _said_ that?" he asked.  
  
"It's implied," she said. "Apparently fewer than three dates is unseemly."  
  
"That's fucking stupid," he said. "We knew each other for years before we ever did anything. And that was just a first official date. Not like we weren't, I don't know, figuring stuff out before that."  
  
The months before that night had been strange ones. Both of them were dancing around the issue, neither of them certain what they wanted or what to say to the other; their first kiss had been followed by panic and sputterings of denial on both sides. By the time they calmed down and went on what Rukia insisted had to be done for a real date—dinner at some restaurant and a movie Ichigo could no longer recall the plot of—having Rukia in his arms wasn't a strange thing. Having her in his bed that night had been a natural inevitability.  
  
"It was a good night," he said, embarrassed by having to say it out loud. "Didn't make you _or me_ any kind of slut. Dumbass."  
  
Rukia just smiled at him then, but he had the feeling he'd done something right.  
  
She looked down again. "Ninety percent of men want their girlfriends to go down on them."  
  
Ichigo rolled his eyes. "One hundred percent of guys are happy if they can get anything," he replied.  
  
"One hundred percent?" She raised an eyebrow and grinned.  
  
He knew better than to answer that.  
  
Ichigo tried, _really_ tried, to focus on his studying, no matter what Rukia spouted off next.  
  
"Eighty-eight percent have times when they're just not in the mood."  
  
"Guys or gi—no. I don't care."  
  
"Seventy-four percent of men masturbate to AV idols."  
  
"Good for them."  
  
"Hmm. There's a split on when couples have the best sex. Some say it's when they haven't seen each other in a while."  
  
"Maybe you should go away, then."  
  
Rukia set the magazine down with a smile. "Oh, I don't believe you mean _that_."  
  
She didn't move all that fast, so it wasn't like he had to just sit there like an idiot, but he did anyway, just watching as Rukia stood and came over, pushing his notebook out of the way and then shoving him so he rolled over onto his back. His hands, acting on their own, somehow reached out to help her settle as she climbed on top of him.  
  
"Do you really want me to leave?" she murmured against his mouth, then kissed him before he could answer.  
  
Hell, his enthusiastic response was enough of an answer in itself. He pressed one palm against her back, pushing her down and closer against him, and ran the other down her leg and then up her skirt. Her mouth hummed a pleased noise against him.  
  
Then she sat up abruptly. "Hold on," she said, a certain evil merriment laced through her words. "I shouldn't distract you this way, Ichigo. Eighty-five percent of survey respondents said that stressful times produce the worst sex. Like when you're worried about an exam."  
  
"Oh, come on," he protested, but in a flash, she was off of him and back on the floor with the fucking magazine, leaving him cold, rumpled, and feeling a little used.  
  
"Don't worry. I'm sure I can occupy myself while you focus on your education." She beamed at him.  
  
"You've gotta be kidding."  
  
"Oh look, here's an article on the most fashionable clubwear for the new season! I wonder if they have any Chappy?"  
  
"RUKIA!"

**Author's Note:**

> Survey questions and results taken from an actual Japanese magazine.


End file.
